This is part of a scene from the script to The King's Speech by David Seidler, for which he won a well deserved Academy Award for Best Original Screenplay.
ELIZABETH
Naturally he wishes to be cured. My
husband is required to speak
publicly.
LIONEL
Perhaps he should change jobs.
ELIZABETH
He can’t.
LIONEL
Indentured servitude?
ELIZABETH
Something of that nature.
LIONEL
Well have your hubby pop
by...Tuesday would be good...to
give his personal history and I’ll
make a frank appraisal.
ELIZABETH
I do not have a “hubby”. We don’t
‘pop’. We never talk about our
private lives. You must come to us.
LIONEL
Sorry, Mrs J, my game, my turf, my
rules.
ELIZABETH
And what if my husband were the
Duke of York?
LIONEL
The Duke of York?
ELIZABETH
Yes the Duke of York.
LIONEL
I thought the appointment was for
“Johnson”? Forgive me, your
Royal...?
ELIZABETH
Highness.
LIONEL
Your Royal Highness.
Naturally he wishes to be cured. My
husband is required to speak
publicly.
LIONEL
Perhaps he should change jobs.
ELIZABETH
He can’t.
LIONEL
Indentured servitude?
ELIZABETH
Something of that nature.
LIONEL
Well have your hubby pop
by...Tuesday would be good...to
give his personal history and I’ll
make a frank appraisal.
ELIZABETH
I do not have a “hubby”. We don’t
‘pop’. We never talk about our
private lives. You must come to us.
LIONEL
Sorry, Mrs J, my game, my turf, my
rules.
ELIZABETH
And what if my husband were the
Duke of York?
LIONEL
The Duke of York?
ELIZABETH
Yes the Duke of York.
LIONEL
I thought the appointment was for
“Johnson”? Forgive me, your
Royal...?
ELIZABETH
Highness.
LIONEL
Your Royal Highness.
Have you seen the movie? Well, the point that I bring this particular part of the script up is because the lack of action lines. Still, in the film, they don't stand opposite each other talking. Things do happen, but the writer didn't added action that he didn't thought was vital for the story.
After this line
LIONEL
Sorry, Mrs J, my game, my turf, my
rules.
Lionel considers the meeting over and returns inside his office, door still open.Sorry, Mrs J, my game, my turf, my
rules.
At
LIONEL
The Duke of York?
Lionel returns to the doorway with a confused look on his face. And then as he looks at his visitor with new eyes, he realizes his mistake.The Duke of York?
These things I must admit that I would probably have written in the script, if I were the writer. I would have been too afraid that a reader saw the two standing opposite each other talking. This example proves that I don't need to worry. You can actually write a lengthy piece of dialog without action lines that will do splendidly on the movie, if you only dare to let go of your control as a writer.
Of course the scene works without those action lines. There are other ways to do the scene that would have worked too. It probably would have worked even if they did just face each other talking as well.
Now look at the action lines he did add in the beginning of the scene:
Umbrella stand, coat rack, wooden waiting bench: that’s all.
She looks about. The area is devoid of life. Coughs. No
response. Calls imperiously:
ELIZABETH
Hello. Is anyone there?
From behind a door:
MUFFLED VOICE (O.S.)
I’m just in the loo.
Princess Elizabeth is not used to this sort of thing. She’s
further appalled by the loud gurgling of a toilet being
flushed, and startled by the entrance of - LIONEL LOGUE - a
tall, middle-aged man with strong features. His demeanor is
friendly, yet professional.
LIONEL
“Poor and content is rich and rich
enough”
ELIZABETH
I beg your pardon?
LIONEL
Shakespeare. I’m sorry, there’s no
receptionist. I like to keep things
simple. How are you Mrs Johnson?
I’m afraid you’re late.
Offers his hand. She takes it, a little gingerly.
She looks about. The area is devoid of life. Coughs. No
response. Calls imperiously:
ELIZABETH
Hello. Is anyone there?
From behind a door:
MUFFLED VOICE (O.S.)
I’m just in the loo.
Princess Elizabeth is not used to this sort of thing. She’s
further appalled by the loud gurgling of a toilet being
flushed, and startled by the entrance of - LIONEL LOGUE - a
tall, middle-aged man with strong features. His demeanor is
friendly, yet professional.
LIONEL
“Poor and content is rich and rich
enough”
ELIZABETH
I beg your pardon?
LIONEL
Shakespeare. I’m sorry, there’s no
receptionist. I like to keep things
simple. How are you Mrs Johnson?
I’m afraid you’re late.
Offers his hand. She takes it, a little gingerly.
If characters are about to be characters and not just paper dolls, we need to know their reactions to things. This contrast with him on the loo and the princess in the spartan, deserted waiting room is great. We need to see that Lionel far from the knighted doctors that has tried to cure the future King George VI before. And as always in movies: enhance the contrasts as far as possible. And what could be better than someone at the loo in the presence of a royal?
But once this contrast and her reaction to him are settled we don't really need to be reminded. It can be left to the actors and the director.
One other interesting thing. Compare these action lines with these I wrote about here. Here I point out his use of fancy words to enhance the perfection and class. Where are the ornamented words here? This is the world of a common man, a man far from any royal palace. David Seidler knows how to paint with his words.
2 comments:
These are very good examples, indeed.
I find it damn hard to get it right, to balance between readability and using ornamented and fancy words, to balance between actions/descriptions or leaving it to the reader to envision.
I can spend hours reading through my own scripts, looking for opportunities to improve and perfect wording here and there, but at some point I have to stop to actually finalize a draft version, even though I would like to write a feature were every single line is ...perfect!
My hat's off for David Siedler and those who come so close.
Thank you.
Yes, it is hard. It is so tremendously hard to know what the story needs and what is my opinion of how it should be told.
On the other hand David Seidler was 74 when he got the Oscar and had been writing movie scripts for more than 30 years.
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