This was my contribution to Julie Gray's Short Scene Contest. It made it to the top three as a finalist! The scene had to contain the three words "parakeet", "waltz" and "Sumatra".
"Courting"
INT. BIRDHOUSE - DAY
JOHN appears to be watching two parakeets on the other side of a glass wall.
The male bird desperately tries to court the seemingly uninterested female. He approaches, she moves away, over and over like an endless waltz.
John’s eyes keep to wander to JENNIE, a big-busted young woman watching the birds just a step from him.
He takes that step.
He stands close to her.
JOHN
They are parakeets.
Jennie takes a step sideways away from John.
JENNIE
Yes, I know.
John takes another step to catch up.
JOHN
They are from Sumatra.
Jennie gives him a look.
JENNIE
Oh, I thought they fetched them on
the Moon.
Jennie moves.
When John follows, Jennie crosses her arms and gives him a stern look.
JENNIE (CONT'D)
Get lost, okay?
Jennie strides away.
John sighs.
One the other side of the glass the courting finally has paid off. The male sits on the female’s back, mating.
John watches.
He turns and runs after Jennie, catching up.
JOHN
Do you know where penguins come
from?
The comments I got was positive, but I was asking myself why no one saw a potential rapist in John. I meant it to be a funny scene, but yet - why was John always a good guy.
Because I wrote the story from his point of view. I even gave him a name. He can't be dangerous then, can he?
2 comments:
Yesterday I got a comment back from an actress about one of my scripts saying she didn't understand it.
I'm sorry I didn't get this scene. What I did get it was a set up for some kind joke and I had no clue to the punch line or the tragic outcome. Are they a couple playing a game or is he a bad guy?
I saw a hundred things John could be but no one thing that he was. It sparked my imagination and I thought that was the point of this scene and not to read too much into it.
Thank you for your honest comment.
I think I made a mistake in giving both characters names, indicating that they know each other.
If I had not given the woman a name, it would have been more obvious that John does not know her and is simply making an attempt to flirt with an attractive woman.
If I had given a name to Jennie but not to the man, the man might have appeared more hostile.
My attempt was to write a funny scene where our courting attempts are not that far from animals' after all.
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