John August has made a great video that shows how to write better scene description. Check it out here.
He starts with an avarage mediocre scene and transforms it into something much more thrilling. For every thing he changes he tells us why. I found this very interesting and I recommend a visit.
6 comments:
Nice video. But it would have been better if he didn't rewrite the scene.
Yes there were problems with the descriptions, but why invent dialogue etc?
Also his examples to me although correctly written were hardly interesting or jumped off the page at you. A shame really. A missed opportunity.
I get your point, but I think you are a little unfair.
I think by writing that "Mike makes his way past stage crew and dancers" pointed out the importantce of giving the viewer of the film a quick setup of where we are.
By Mike talking into the headset about the AC and we then see Phil with the live video we get that there is something going on, and they don't want to be discovered.
Yes, it might not be the most stunning text I've ever read, but personally I think the result is better than what he started with.
Sure, it is fine that you disagree. However, I see nothing that is 'unfair' here.
I agree that the end result is better, but hardly amazing examples of the powerful prose that could be created from such raw materials.
And I also do think you missed my point - or, more likely, that I didn't explain myself very well in the first place ;o) - that he invented material that wasn't already there rather than reshaping what was there.
I think the middle part is what is missing - taking the existing text and improving it - before then adding his stamp, which is where it finished. I just don't think you can you show a behavioural change without showing the good points of what is there, before adding your stamp. it's like feedback from people which says "I'd do this" rather than concentrating on what has been done.
Sorry, it is just that I am a picky trainer / learning designer and his edits came off to me more as a 'look what I can do' than a 'this is how you can improve'. I was thinking more for the person who wrote the original text and could see how they might possibly have been upset by the changes.
I am well aware that I am in the minority on this also and that others simply appreciate taking his time to do it in the first place.
I see what you mean, I think. When I took painting classes I got upset when the teacher painted on my painting to show me what he meant.
If I as a writer get these changes in return I wouldn't be very happy, that is true. I want to be inspired by suggestions and do the rewriting myself.
But I do think that as inspiration, his little movie works.
Yes, as inspiration it definitely works.
I also recommend two articles from Hal Croassum recently (I bloged one of them) - in his Scriptforsale.com newsletter; they both had a much more powerful effect on me and showed how descriptions could be that much more powerful.
Thank you for the tip. I'll check these up.
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